Saturday, August 27, 2011
I'm actually typing on my way to ivan's house.
Frankly speaking, I think that my physical health has gone haywire. I'm not exactly sure why actually, because I thought I didn't do anything different recently. But I found myself dropping hair, pimple outbreaks with stuborn acne marks, putting on weight, n physical injuries like backaches and knee pains.
My goodness, I'm actually very worried. I'm not sure what's going on, and so recently I've been trying to take it easy by not having any engagements after work or weekends. Trying to keep it 2 per week ie taking things easy.
It seems like things are very messy with me recently. I kinda lost control of myself again, n I don't know how to steer myself back. Sigh, I think I really need to slow things down. I've been running around like a rocket recently.
And the best thing is, I found myself like being asked for drinks every week..faints. Not very good. I need to slow down.
I haven't been to gym for more than a week, and with exception of last sat's 'take it easy' session, I haven't dance in 2 weeks. I miss dancing, even though I'm not the best at it. I miss expressing myself in movements of my body. I miss moving myself around and not feeling sluggish. I miss being active. But... My knee is telling me take things slow, my back is telling me to take care of her and my toe (which I hurt during a jazz class on national day) is telling me she needs time. Sigh, it's such a dilemia. Most people have a problem in getting their butts off to exercise, and I'm at the total opposite.
My goodness, there's a kid sitting behind me on bus who's totally making a racket. I can't sleep if I want to. Sigh
Cheerios xoxo
Frankly speaking, I think that my physical health has gone haywire. I'm not exactly sure why actually, because I thought I didn't do anything different recently. But I found myself dropping hair, pimple outbreaks with stuborn acne marks, putting on weight, n physical injuries like backaches and knee pains.
My goodness, I'm actually very worried. I'm not sure what's going on, and so recently I've been trying to take it easy by not having any engagements after work or weekends. Trying to keep it 2 per week ie taking things easy.
It seems like things are very messy with me recently. I kinda lost control of myself again, n I don't know how to steer myself back. Sigh, I think I really need to slow things down. I've been running around like a rocket recently.
And the best thing is, I found myself like being asked for drinks every week..faints. Not very good. I need to slow down.
I haven't been to gym for more than a week, and with exception of last sat's 'take it easy' session, I haven't dance in 2 weeks. I miss dancing, even though I'm not the best at it. I miss expressing myself in movements of my body. I miss moving myself around and not feeling sluggish. I miss being active. But... My knee is telling me take things slow, my back is telling me to take care of her and my toe (which I hurt during a jazz class on national day) is telling me she needs time. Sigh, it's such a dilemia. Most people have a problem in getting their butts off to exercise, and I'm at the total opposite.
My goodness, there's a kid sitting behind me on bus who's totally making a racket. I can't sleep if I want to. Sigh
Cheerios xoxo
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Depression
Click here for link to picture.
Ok, depression is too heavy a word to use. But I am now feeling like I want to curl up on a friend's shoulders and cry with a bottle in hand.
Nope, this isn't about work. Work has been fruitful. Never regretted changing my job and returning to my roots. Totally different work so it means that I am learning new things everyday. And the work is more meaningful. This is the part that I have gotten straightened out, and I am glad.
Except that as my friend's wedding looms closer, I get more depressed. She is the first one among all our secondary sch friends to get married, and looking how things go, I think there will be many more to come. FAST.
I don't deny that seeing everyone pairing up and me alone doesn't get to me. It does. It seems like everyone has their own lives right now, and I am the only one who is alone. I am not unhappy being single. I am in a way, because right now I am really chasing my dreams of dancing. Dancing 3 hours a week is really fulfilling and I am adding more dance classes. My schedules are packed back to back that my friends have a problem of arranging a dinner with me. But it sort of makes me really immature in the sense because I am not concerned about cars, houses, weddings etc. I am not planning for the future, except maybe buying insurance and saving up money. Everyone seems to be moving to the next stage of their lives, while I remain as I was, 2 years ago.
It is a hard bullet to take. It seems like my life is all about work, gym, going out and drinks. I seems sociable in the sense because I don't coop myself up in my room and watch tv shows (like I do 2 years ago), but I find myself boring in the sense because that's the only 4 things I do. I have no other things that defines me anymore. I am turning into someone that is utterly boring, and I don't want that.
I know it is starting to sound that I am unhappy being single, but it is more that I am upset that I am again, not seems to be moving on. I frankly really don't know what to do anymore. I no longer wanting to play the dating game anymore, because I am done with jerks. And I had met a few little ones along the way. I don't want to be stationary, and yet I don't know how to move forward. What am I supposed to do?
Yesterday after jazz class, a woman came to us and started chatting. She told us that since we are young, don't waste time working because we don't want to be on our deathbed wishing that we have done sth or more of this/ that. Essentially, we need to have a work life balance. I asked myself this question yesterday night on what I would say on my deathbed. And my answer is, I wish I had danced more. And right now I am dancing as much as I could afford to. But even though I got this part right, why am I still feeling that I am not moving forward? Am I just being weird or thinking too much?
I hate thinking. I wish I can just take out my brains and not think today.
I know nobody will ever know that I am feeling upset, because I never let my unhappiness show. To everyone else, I am a bubbly, happy, nothing-can-get-me-down girl. But still deep down, I need assurance. I am upset. And I know I will never get the comfort I need, because nobody knows.
I am an onion of myself all over again, putting many different layers of myself on top of my true self to protect myself. When will I ever be able to let go of all these layers and reveal who I am to the world?
Maybe I am hitting a bad phase again. Physically, I am hitting a bad phase also because I have been getting big and small injuries for the last 2 months. I twisted my knee (again), bruises all over my legs, wounds on calves and knees and the most recent one, suspected tendon tear on my left toe. Did an x-ray to ensure that I didn't have a fracture, which I didn't, thank goodness. Gave me a really bad scare. Or else I would be out for 6 weeks, which would really kill me! I already can't stand being away for 3 days, let alone 6 weeks. I realised that the art of staying active is also to know how to avoid injuries. I have to start training for muscles strength in order to get less injuries. So, the latest now is that I am out for a week due to my toe, and hopefully this is the last of all the chain injuries that I am getting for a long while.
Ok, I am done with a super long post again. Cheerios
**I know I have not been blogging frequently, but I tend to only blog when I get inspiration to write. And usually inspirations requires me to be emotionally charged, and that's why I tend to write longer. But I know my best entries are the longest, saddest, soppiest ones, which tend to be the posts that I wrote the fastest. If I am not blogging, it is a good thing because it means that my life is peaceful or rather, I am at peace with myself.
