I decided to blog today with absolutely no idea what to blog about. I think I am just going to let my words flow and see where it goes.

I am always thinking these days, whether it is about my life, my past and my present. I look back in my teens and I have never regret any choices that I had made then, whether which schools I go to, what to study, what things I did in schools, and all those words that was said in those friendship fights. I did the right things then. But looking at the present, all sorts of regrets comes in. I said the wrong things, I made the wrong choices, I did the wrong things.

What has seriously happened? Was it that I have grown up and seen the world? Or was it that I have a higher expectations on myself? I really don't know.

I don't want to look back in my life and regret anymore. There are certain things that I wanna do but I can't, but at least I want to make the best of myself. I want to keep moving forward and not keep walking around at the same point. I am trying to minimise the amount of regret I will feel in the future.

But then again, what is seriously moving forward? Does it mean that I need to try new things? I guess for one thing I am sure, I don't want to senselessly living my life in a routine ie go to work, come home, shower, dinner then sleep. I guess at the end of the day, it is the feeling that I am moving forward that matters the most. I am seeking that feeling all the time.

A couple of weeks ago when I was at Clarke Quay with Yo (at that time she was known as Yo), we ran into Master Khor the palmist. I decided to ask him for a reading because this time round, it seems like it was fated for me to run into him and to get a reading. It is the same old story again. I am going to be a VIP, needing to be in the frontline to shine , will excel in my career and my biggest hurdle is my love life. Bla Bla Bla... I know how many people envy me for being destined to be a career woman but honestly I don't want that. Which girl doesn't want to be loved? Putting aside all my strong words and fronts, I am just a little girl inside who wants to be loved.

Maybe I am really destined to be a career woman. I was never satisfied with my previous job, despite being extremely busy. I don't want to be doing minute things, caring about things that seriously doesn't have much of an impact in the organisation as a whole. I don't want to be doing things that I thought was absolutely unnecessary. I realised that I found out the reason why I was better at routine work in my previous job. That is because all the rest of the "CCAs" don't make sense to me. Routine work is much more meaningful then.

In short, I want to be doing things that I can see having an impact on the organisation. I wanted something bigger, something more, something meaningful. I hope this new career will bring just that.

You see, I absolutely know what I want out of my career. Maybe it wasn't something quantative, but at least I know. Does that make me a career woman right from the start? When it comes to relationships, I have no idea. No clue at all. I used to have ideas as to who I want, but let's just say that my previous one has totally went the other way.

I am both messed up and clear about myself. But I am what I am. I accepted this myself. But I am getting confused as to what kind of girl I am. You know, sometimes during interviews, your potential employers may ask you what kind of a person you are. I used to answer that I am a bubbly girl who is positive and see the best things in life. I never want to give up and I am a cheery girl who loves life. But now I don't know how to answer that. I guess some parts still apply to me, but sometimes saying that makes me look like an airhead. I am more complicated that that, and I have my dark demons in the deepest of my heart. How do you balance between the cheery and the demonic side of you? I don't know how.

I guess I still got a lot of thinking to do. I need to sort things out.

Got a random picture from another blog which I thought it was cool.



Xoxo