I think maybe this time round, this is finally going to be a long post. It is time that I need to be true to myself. Or at least, as true as I can be.

After about 2 months since I last blogged, you can say that too much or too little things have happened. My head was spinning round and round, and my life was going up and down. I have just always been thinking nonstop.

I found myself having new found appreciation on emotions, because I now understand what is real pain, real anguish and real frustration. For the things that has put me through all sorts of emotions, I realised that I had never truly understand all these feelings until now.

Frustration

I was truly frustrated with myself. I was frustrated that I let my life spun out of control. Too many things had suffered. I have been spending the last 2 months trying to make amendments, which is way harder than I thought. I think finally in the last few weeks, I had finally got hold of my life and gotten hold of a balance.

But still I am truly frustrated with myself, for still getting stuck in this rut. I am done with this rut. I want to move on.

Lost

I felt truly lost. Frankly speaking, I was lost for a long time. I don't quite understand why things was not happening for me at the end of last year. I guess one thing now was because I need to find a new focus in my life, and in the process of finding, I found out that I have sacrificed and lost so much. I told myself before that I would never do that, but in the end I did. I have truly lost myself.

Disappointment

I admit, I am a conflicting person. I guarded against a lot of people, among friends, family, parents and of course colleagues. The simple reason is that I don't want to get hurt in the end, and that I have to stay strong for most of the time. I was brought up that way. And finally, when I let my guard down, I was disappointed. And frankly, this disappointment was hard to take.

Pain

In the previous times, I can feel the pain. However, this time round, I was totally numb. I wasn't sure how it happened, but I was numb. Think this was due to the truly lost feeling that I was feeling...

I have described myself as lost as I felt that that is a more apt and best suited description for me right now. I know I have a bad habit of labeling things, but I got to do so in order to know how to act. But strangely enough labeling myself as lost just makes me more lost than ever, cause I still don't know what to do.

I was watching Brothers and Sisters epi 6 of season 5, and when Kevin said the things to Scotty when he found out that Scotty cheated, I truly felt it. I think that is the moment I realised that maybe I am still in pain, but just that I am in a different sort of pain.

Quotes from Brothers and Sisters Episode 6 (Watch the youtube vid from 1.00 onwards)

Scotty (S): I get that you are angry.
Kevin (K): I am not angry, I am in pain! And you put me here! The person who is supposed to love me more than anything. You are supposed to be better than this.
S: I'm not. I am just as lost. And damaged and screwed up as the rest of you. I'm not perfect Kevin, I'm not perfect.

Right now, I am a mixture of Scotty and Kevin. I may be in pain, and I am damaged, screwed up, lost and not perfect.

Sometimes, I just feel that I really had enough. Maybe I had my life too smooth sailing when I was young and now I am truly experiencing life as it is. I know that I am complaining and I shouldn't, because there are a lot of people out there who had it worse than me. And things that happened are not as bad as it seems. But sometimes I am feeling that I can barely breathe and no one understands it. I don't expect people to understand it. I can even expect people to write it off totally. But really, I had enough. I wish that life can just let me go, so that I can breathe.

I beg for life to let me go.

Alright, in that sense, I am on my way to a new beginning. The best way to get out of that rut and to a new beginning is to find myself again. I believe that I am that girl who can do that =)

Anyway, after this depressing post, kinda need to post some outdated pictures... Not posting all of them because there are just too many. All photos can be found on my FB.

This can be considered as part of my new beginning =)


24th Birthday







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