I am having one of those days in which I am reflecting on my life now. It is one of those emo days for me.

This is going to be a wordy post.

I guess these days, I always think back and wonder how did I end up the way I am now. I suddenly remembered during this period of time, 11 years ago, I almost lost my mother. My mother was in the hospital during CNY 11 years ago, and till this day, I know that it is one of those unforgettable CNY my family had.

I was young then and did not really understand the impact of losing a mother. It was one of my most rebellious period, if you ever consider me as ever rebellious. I wasn't interested in school, I copied my maths homework and basically rarely studied. At that time, I was more interested in fighting cold wars with friends, trying to win over people that did not matter at all and of course surfing the internet. I was basically more involved with myself than her.

However, after a few years, I found out that my mother had laid out all the instructions for me in case anything did happen. She told my 2 aunts to keep a lookout and take care of me, she arranged all the finances for me and of course, put up a strong front that she was fine when she wasn't.

This really touches me. I guess when I was older, I understood having my parents to support me and finally realised the impact that incident had on my life. Linda is always asking me how come I always listen to my mum and let her win in certain arguments. I guess deep down, I know that she has my best interests in heart and everything she does, she does them for me =)

After this incident, I became an onion. It means that I guard against people, so that I won't get hurt. And not getting hurt means being strong for yourself and for other people who matter.

And since I was asked this question before, I would say that I would place my parents first, before my partner. And if my partner understood me (and love me =D), he will never ask me to choose between him and them =)

Besides my past, I was pondering about myself. I am feeling so stagnant to the point that I felt that I am wasting my life away. I am seriously not moving. Sometimes, I avoided going on FB to look at other people's updates on their lives because it seems like they are moving forward but I am not. I wanted so many things in life to the point that I don't know what do I really want.

I shouldn't be saying this now actually. I am going on 25 this year, which is a quarter of a century. I may not have any responsibilities right now, but I ought to know. I should know.

I guess I am also frustrated with myself. Up until today, things are always within my control. I can fix anything that went wrong, because it is within my control. But I can't control the problems I am facing now. I can only wish and pray that things will happen, but other than that, I don't know what to do.

It would be better off for me to take life simply and less hard. But I can't do it, because it is not in my nature to do so. I am not used to face things that I can't control.

Is life meant to be so hard?

What am I doing with my life actually? Is it meaningful? Does it leave any impact on anyone in particular? Do I matter?

These are all the questions I have in my mind all day. Seriously, sometimes I still think that I am lost, screwed up and not perfect.

There are more emo feelings and thoughts I have, but I think this post is heavy enough. Maybe next time.

And I will blog about my trip.

Cheerios.