Ok, this was the entry that I had written a few days ago. I was a little emo and conflicted, and so I wrote this in one hour during office hours.

The feelings in this entry still kinda mirrors what I am feeling right now, although not so intense.

Oh well, here is the past entry.

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Some people know that I had given the Citibank people a hard time when I was applying for their credit cards. I don’t understand their insistence on certain terms, and they were quite inflexible in their policies. If it is not because of certain other reasons, I would probably rattle/ snip their heads off.

This leads me to thinking about flexibility in life. Am I too inflexible? Sometimes I just wonder, should I just settle for something that is good enough? Maybe in more ways than one, I SHOULD settle. However, I just couldn’t. I want something more than that.

The thing is, chasing a dream is not easy. I am not sure whether I should really start from somewhere that is lowly, just so that I can get to where I want to be in the future. If I truly want to start lowly, it takes a lot of sacrifice from me. Not just that I don’t want to take that sacrifice, but I can’t. I got other things that I need to consider. I just can’t plunge into something like that.

Sigh, this leads me thinking that chasing a dream is for the rich and for those who do not have much baggage in life. I want to do it when I am still young, but frankly it is impossible. So back to the first question, should I just settle?

Or maybe, I am just aiming for something way too high, way out of my reach.

Or maybe, I am just risk averse. I am afraid to take the plunge. But all humans are risk averse, isn’t it so?

Shit, now just found out something in which I don’t know what to do. Jo had told me not to feel bad, because what I am doing is for myself and I am not wrong. But still, I couldn’t help but feel bad. Jo asked me whether it will change my plans, but I won’t. I know I won’t, because I need to do this in order to benefit myself, and again, one step closer to my dream.

Frankly, I am really lost at what to do. I am still searching for something, but what I am not sure. Maybe a sign or something that leads me somewhere so that I know how to take it from there.

What should I do?

Somehow today, when I was on a train to work today, I suddenly remember what XY said about me on friendster. (many many years ago….) Ok, I don’t remember the exact words, but he said that I am someone who refused to conform to the norms, but conforms to them all the same. I am gradually feeling like I am what he describe, conforming to norms because I have no choice. And the way he describes me is exactly how I feel right now. CONFUSED.

I hate being backed into a corner and force me to do things that I don’t want just to get out of a situation. Generally, I just hate being left with no choice when I want to have a choice. So the question now is, should I conform or not?

Sigh, life is complicated and conflicted.

Anyway, recently someone said that I am quite cynical. I feel that basically, I am cynical, skeptical and critical. All the ‘cal’s. Haha.

Cheerios.

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