I felt something. But what exactly is that is a big question.

I learnt many things which, maybe, gives me a slightest sense of happiness. And by learning things, I don't mean school work.

I pondered about this for so long. Being so engrossed, I almost missed alighting at my bus stop till I saw many people getting off. Yes, that engross. And I was even wondering whether I actually got off the right stop when I alighted from the bus. And I was mechanically walking to the MRT station without even thinking where I was walking (yes, this proves that after 2.5 years in school, this routine has become a subconscious effort.)

I can't pinpoint. I don't know how I feel. I don't even know how I should feel.

It wasn't exactly courage that I plucked up when I did it. I honestly swear, it was just a thing to do.

Shit. What the hell have I gotten myself into?

I can't guess what they all are thinking. Same ocassions, different companions. Extreme feelings stirred inside me.

Perhaps I myself is to blame. Perhaps I should have given a chance to the parties involved, especially me. But I can't get past the inital stage at all.

I wondered, what is the impression I have given? What is it? And somehow I felt that others can see it better than I am, even though I myself don't know what is it.

What do people thought of me? I never really care what others thought of me for a long time. I mean, if I cared about it, I wouldn't do half the crazy things I did now. What am I? Am I attractive? Am I beautiful? Do I have a kind heart? Am I smart? Is there something good about me? Why do people like me? What do I have that others don't have?

I really don't know.

I just wish I know more...

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My aunt is coming to Singapore with Baby Lucas on 14 feb. Valentine's Day. I know what she's thinking, and I think I know what my other relatives are thinking. Yes, I am freaking single and I am proud of it.

Sometimes, I wonder why is it so. Why am I proud of it? Is it because I am not ready for commitment? Is it because I am not ready to be hurt? Or is it because I am so convinced that no one will like me that I am so blind to see there is someone?

I have no answers. I know for sure that, I am afraid. But what the hell was I afraid of, I have no idea.

I used to say that Linda has a dramatic life. But now come to think of it, I have a worse life sia. I don't even know half the things that is happening in my life.

Why why why why why don't I have answers?

I have been running away a lot lately. Last week fiasco was a result of a lot of years unhappinessness bursting out as one. This week's pondering is because of a lack of courage. RUNNING AWAY A LOT.

I am not ready. I simply am not ready. For a hell lot of things.

I shouldn't have turned 21 at all. I should be 12 years old.

LOL... I realised that I sounded like a desperato, like screaming out loud to everyone in the blogger world that I need a man. But I don't think it is. It's just me suddenly thinking about my life and wondering.

Don't start like suggesting boyfriends to me pls.... =)