This week is a strange week for me. It started out so badly, but turned out a little better by the time this week is drawing to a close. I hope the good stays on...

I finally told my tutee's mum that I am probably not teaching next year. I said it with guilt, because I am sure they wanted a teacher that sticks around. I did consider giving it until he finishes his primary school, but I realised that I have to be a little selfish here. It's my career on the line, and my mum stopped me by saying that I have to be selfish.

I can't bear to part with my tutee. As much as I hated to teach tuition at times and he is not exactly smart and quick, he is one of the best kids I have seen. Well mannered and sweet. He doesn't mind me singing stupid songs during class, laughs at my jokes and actually tolerated my crazy antics like trying to strangle him one too many times when he doesn't get that "the word after the 'to' has to be present tense" things...

Tuition. Many people used it as a money making tool, some as their only means to survive. I am not able to take up so many tuitions to make it my livelihood, but what I gained from it is tremendous. I learnt patience and committment. The joy u can get when ur kid has improved from 50+ marks to a 80+ marks is another experience on its own. Not to mention, my tenses and grammar stuff actually improved! I never expect that one day I would miss tuition, but now just the thought of parting from it is kinda painful.

Talking about another matter. Reading some of my friends' blogs makes me wonder a little. I know I am known as a crazy girl, but how many people knows me? I know I am crazy but I have the other side too. How many people can see past that craziness and know me??

I thought about my life a lot these days. From secondary school, jc, till now. I am glad that somehow or rather I has a similar batch of friends that lasted through primary school till now. But how life changes.

I remembered my secondary school life. It's the best time I had, but it's the most dramatic I had too. I joined the guides, which gave me the highs and the lows in school. I have more than one friendship fights that was so dramatic that I find myself without a single friend beside me when I need one. I remembered one time when all my friends left for a school concert without me and I only realised it that day. I have no idea what I did wrong then, and I still don't actually. I find myself at times, fighting silence fights with friends and mind games at the age of 14. I actually wondered at that time, whether I am just such an unpopular girl and so sucky that no ones wants to be with me. I know I did nothing wrong, so why do I deserved such a treatment?

I have a friend who I fought most of my school life with. It started way back, and we fought until I think we got tired of it. It didn't matter in the end, because right now, she is a friend of mine and will always be. It's through the fights that we matured and grow up. On the other hand, there was a friend who was always with me and jul. She is now barely talking to me. It's just that we drifted apart and now she's closer to jul and a stranger to me. It's just weird how things turned out, isn't it?

Just because I seen too much friends drama in secondary school, I decided that I am not going to be sucked into such a fight again. It's too draining, too tiring, too meaningless to do so. And I did. I stuck to my guns until this year.

I thought back on the fight that I had with a friend in about feb this year. I sometimes wondered, whether I have mis-handled the fight at all. I know too many times, I had shut my mouth and bit back my opinion so as to prevent a fight. I rather the person misunderstood me than getting into a fight. That's how it is. I recognised that it's not healthy at all, because things get built up and eventually it will turn out into one big fight in the end like this one. I am ashamed to say that up till now, I still run away from her whenever I see her in the area. I have nothing to hide, and I don't think I did anything majorly wrong, and yet I still run away from her. GREAT. Cool. Irene said before that we need a talk, but I am still not ready for that kind of heart to heart talk at all. Wounds are too deep and fresh to be opened again.

Trust me, I want to be like what it used to then, but I can't do it yet. That friend of mine who reconciled with me, the one I mentioned previously, it took us almost 3 to 4 years before we can let go of everything and start talking again without trying to pull each other hair out. I don't want to wait another 3 to 4 years to talk to this friend of mine. I don't want to lose her as a friend. So if she is reading now, I am trying. I am really trying. But it's not easy for me, so don't give up on me ok? Help me if u can...

This kind of thing makes me freaked out. I am actually tearing when I am typing this. I wonder how many friends I really have. Those 'friends' friends, not those 'hi bye' friends. How many people actually want to be at my wedding and be happy for me? That is if I get married at all lah... How many people will be truly want to listen to me when I am upset? How many people actually know me at all?

How many people actually know that Iris by Goo Goo Dolls is my favourite song of all time since 1999? I want it to be my wedding song actually..

How many people know that my favourite type of novels are those romantic ones? The more romantic, sappy and unlikely it is, the better?

How many people know that I don't have a favourite movie, but Walk the Line, Pride and Prejudice and City of Angels are close?

How many people know that I hate eating yam and sweet potatoes?

I bet none of you knows all the 4 things I have posted....

Oh well guys, I am trying to be a better person. And I believe through these life experiences, I will be. One day.

Anyway, got to post some of the 90s music again here =)




TLC - No Scrubs

Backstreet Boys - All I have to Give This song came damn close to being my favourite song =)