I missed out so many things...I think.

I been through life for almost 20 years, and yet I think I have definitely missed out certain signals that came my way....looking back, I most certainly did. And for those signals that I did not miss, I chose to avoid fearing that I was not old enough to handle it. Not mature enough to handle it. And I was afraid that I really will end up not being able to handle it.

Now I think I may be punished for missing out what I had been missing and what I had avoided. I had been giving wrong signals to a lot of people...and now I am without those signals. Definitely I had been looking at and around my life and the people around me more closely than before, and yet I no longer can find those signals I chose to avoid a few years ago. Not even the slightest clue. Fate have been cruel to me. Whenever I feel that there is a slightest hint, I was delighted. Then it's gone and taken away from me. I am being punished....or is it a test of my patience?

My perfect dream is gone.

I dreamt that by this time of my life, I would no longer be searching. Apparently not so.

And I am not talking about love...I am just talking about my life in general. It's easy to make that mistake after reading what I had said. But I do not say love is not part of my life.

I know I am confusing everyone for what I am saying, and no one has a clue. I guess I am turning a little literature/poetic- like. Talking in riddles. But anyway, it was only for me to let it out and not meant for anyone to understand. *no offense.

Anyway, grammys this wk. Excited about it. Along with scrubs later. Normally wun be excited but thinking that there is Michael J. Fox guest-starring later....that's a different matter.

Guess I am not missing those obvious signs. But I don't yearn for them.

I am turning a little eccentric...moody...strange...but mostly eccentric.