Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm actually typing on my way to ivan's house.

Frankly speaking, I think that my physical health has gone haywire. I'm not exactly sure why actually, because I thought I didn't do anything different recently. But I found myself dropping hair, pimple outbreaks with stuborn acne marks, putting on weight, n physical injuries like backaches and knee pains.

My goodness, I'm actually very worried. I'm not sure what's going on, and so recently I've been trying to take it easy by not having any engagements after work or weekends. Trying to keep it 2 per week ie taking things easy.

It seems like things are very messy with me recently. I kinda lost control of myself again, n I don't know how to steer myself back. Sigh, I think I really need to slow things down. I've been running around like a rocket recently.

And the best thing is, I found myself like being asked for drinks every week..faints. Not very good. I need to slow down.

I haven't been to gym for more than a week, and with exception of last sat's 'take it easy' session, I haven't dance in 2 weeks. I miss dancing, even though I'm not the best at it. I miss expressing myself in movements of my body. I miss moving myself around and not feeling sluggish. I miss being active. But... My knee is telling me take things slow, my back is telling me to take care of her and my toe (which I hurt during a jazz class on national day) is telling me she needs time. Sigh, it's such a dilemia. Most people have a problem in getting their butts off to exercise, and I'm at the total opposite.

My goodness, there's a kid sitting behind me on bus who's totally making a racket. I can't sleep if I want to. Sigh

Cheerios xoxo

ferngrass Loves her Break@6:31 PM | 2 comments

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Click here for link to picture.

Ok, depression is too heavy a word to use. But I am now feeling like I want to curl up on a friend's shoulders and cry with a bottle in hand.

Nope, this isn't about work. Work has been fruitful. Never regretted changing my job and returning to my roots. Totally different work so it means that I am learning new things everyday. And the work is more meaningful. This is the part that I have gotten straightened out, and I am glad.

Except that as my friend's wedding looms closer, I get more depressed. She is the first one among all our secondary sch friends to get married, and looking how things go, I think there will be many more to come. FAST.

I don't deny that seeing everyone pairing up and me alone doesn't get to me. It does. It seems like everyone has their own lives right now, and I am the only one who is alone. I am not unhappy being single. I am in a way, because right now I am really chasing my dreams of dancing. Dancing 3 hours a week is really fulfilling and I am adding more dance classes. My schedules are packed back to back that my friends have a problem of arranging a dinner with me. But it sort of makes me really immature in the sense because I am not concerned about cars, houses, weddings etc. I am not planning for the future, except maybe buying insurance and saving up money. Everyone seems to be moving to the next stage of their lives, while I remain as I was, 2 years ago.

It is a hard bullet to take. It seems like my life is all about work, gym, going out and drinks. I seems sociable in the sense because I don't coop myself up in my room and watch tv shows (like I do 2 years ago), but I find myself boring in the sense because that's the only 4 things I do. I have no other things that defines me anymore. I am turning into someone that is utterly boring, and I don't want that.

I know it is starting to sound that I am unhappy being single, but it is more that I am upset that I am again, not seems to be moving on. I frankly really don't know what to do anymore. I no longer wanting to play the dating game anymore, because I am done with jerks. And I had met a few little ones along the way. I don't want to be stationary, and yet I don't know how to move forward. What am I supposed to do?

Yesterday after jazz class, a woman came to us and started chatting. She told us that since we are young, don't waste time working because we don't want to be on our deathbed wishing that we have done sth or more of this/ that. Essentially, we need to have a work life balance. I asked myself this question yesterday night on what I would say on my deathbed. And my answer is, I wish I had danced more. And right now I am dancing as much as I could afford to. But even though I got this part right, why am I still feeling that I am not moving forward? Am I just being weird or thinking too much?

I hate thinking. I wish I can just take out my brains and not think today.

I know nobody will ever know that I am feeling upset, because I never let my unhappiness show. To everyone else, I am a bubbly, happy, nothing-can-get-me-down girl. But still deep down, I need assurance. I am upset. And I know I will never get the comfort I need, because nobody knows.

I am an onion of myself all over again, putting many different layers of myself on top of my true self to protect myself. When will I ever be able to let go of all these layers and reveal who I am to the world?

Maybe I am hitting a bad phase again. Physically, I am hitting a bad phase also because I have been getting big and small injuries for the last 2 months. I twisted my knee (again), bruises all over my legs, wounds on calves and knees and the most recent one, suspected tendon tear on my left toe. Did an x-ray to ensure that I didn't have a fracture, which I didn't, thank goodness. Gave me a really bad scare. Or else I would be out for 6 weeks, which would really kill me! I already can't stand being away for 3 days, let alone 6 weeks. I realised that the art of staying active is also to know how to avoid injuries. I have to start training for muscles strength in order to get less injuries. So, the latest now is that I am out for a week due to my toe, and hopefully this is the last of all the chain injuries that I am getting for a long while.

Ok, I am done with a super long post again. Cheerios

**I know I have not been blogging frequently, but I tend to only blog when I get inspiration to write. And usually inspirations requires me to be emotionally charged, and that's why I tend to write longer. But I know my best entries are the longest, saddest, soppiest ones, which tend to be the posts that I wrote the fastest. If I am not blogging, it is a good thing because it means that my life is peaceful or rather, I am at peace with myself.

ferngrass Loves her Break@9:21 PM | 1 comments

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Guilty to say that I only heard of this song when I was watching Gossip Girl (which is just now...)

I always love Adele, but I am not a big fan because I find that her songs tends to be a little on the slow side (I am always a fast tempo songs kind of girl). But I absolutely love this song. It's angsty, dancey, revengeful and emotional. Kind of like me... sometimes. Hahaha...

Plus, Adele's voice is amazing in this song.

Just enjoy! Cheerios.

ferngrass Loves her Break@5:44 PM | 0 comments

Saturday, May 14, 2011


I decided to blog today with absolutely no idea what to blog about. I think I am just going to let my words flow and see where it goes.

I am always thinking these days, whether it is about my life, my past and my present. I look back in my teens and I have never regret any choices that I had made then, whether which schools I go to, what to study, what things I did in schools, and all those words that was said in those friendship fights. I did the right things then. But looking at the present, all sorts of regrets comes in. I said the wrong things, I made the wrong choices, I did the wrong things.

What has seriously happened? Was it that I have grown up and seen the world? Or was it that I have a higher expectations on myself? I really don't know.

I don't want to look back in my life and regret anymore. There are certain things that I wanna do but I can't, but at least I want to make the best of myself. I want to keep moving forward and not keep walking around at the same point. I am trying to minimise the amount of regret I will feel in the future.

But then again, what is seriously moving forward? Does it mean that I need to try new things? I guess for one thing I am sure, I don't want to senselessly living my life in a routine ie go to work, come home, shower, dinner then sleep. I guess at the end of the day, it is the feeling that I am moving forward that matters the most. I am seeking that feeling all the time.

A couple of weeks ago when I was at Clarke Quay with Yo (at that time she was known as Yo), we ran into Master Khor the palmist. I decided to ask him for a reading because this time round, it seems like it was fated for me to run into him and to get a reading. It is the same old story again. I am going to be a VIP, needing to be in the frontline to shine , will excel in my career and my biggest hurdle is my love life. Bla Bla Bla... I know how many people envy me for being destined to be a career woman but honestly I don't want that. Which girl doesn't want to be loved? Putting aside all my strong words and fronts, I am just a little girl inside who wants to be loved.

Maybe I am really destined to be a career woman. I was never satisfied with my previous job, despite being extremely busy. I don't want to be doing minute things, caring about things that seriously doesn't have much of an impact in the organisation as a whole. I don't want to be doing things that I thought was absolutely unnecessary. I realised that I found out the reason why I was better at routine work in my previous job. That is because all the rest of the "CCAs" don't make sense to me. Routine work is much more meaningful then.

In short, I want to be doing things that I can see having an impact on the organisation. I wanted something bigger, something more, something meaningful. I hope this new career will bring just that.

You see, I absolutely know what I want out of my career. Maybe it wasn't something quantative, but at least I know. Does that make me a career woman right from the start? When it comes to relationships, I have no idea. No clue at all. I used to have ideas as to who I want, but let's just say that my previous one has totally went the other way.

I am both messed up and clear about myself. But I am what I am. I accepted this myself. But I am getting confused as to what kind of girl I am. You know, sometimes during interviews, your potential employers may ask you what kind of a person you are. I used to answer that I am a bubbly girl who is positive and see the best things in life. I never want to give up and I am a cheery girl who loves life. But now I don't know how to answer that. I guess some parts still apply to me, but sometimes saying that makes me look like an airhead. I am more complicated that that, and I have my dark demons in the deepest of my heart. How do you balance between the cheery and the demonic side of you? I don't know how.

I guess I still got a lot of thinking to do. I need to sort things out.

Got a random picture from another blog which I thought it was cool.


ferngrass Loves her Break@11:46 PM | 0 comments

Friday, May 13, 2011

I have not been updating my blog for a while now. For people who are still coming to my blog and getting disappointed, I’m sorry but I just need to deal with the changes in my life and blogging has taken a backseat.

There are a lot of changes since my last entry. I am still adapting to them but mostly so far so good. Some of my gym mates are already complimenting that I look happier these days. I guess for the most part, I find meaning in life again. I finally know what I am doing and what it is for.

I am really lazy to blog about my usual stuff eg where I go, what I eat, what did I do etc. I think I would be blogging less of such stuff and more on my thoughts in the future. I am turning 25 this year, and am no longer the girl I used to be when I started this blog. I had grown up, and am still growing up. My blog has to grow up with me.

Have a lot of realisations these days but I kinda forgot most of them. I think the most recent one I had was that people always assumes there are second chances. I am not sure how to say it so I am going to use an example. I got this realisation when I read that George Yeo is leaving politics.

I am going to leave the GE debate on its own (think I had expressed enough of my thoughts on my FB). But from the reports I read, I realised that most people assume that he will be running in the next elections again before he announced his retirement. People assume that he will be fighting again in the next GE and so it doesn’t matter if he loses this one. But obviously, that is not the case.

What I am trying to say here if you miss one chance, you may miss it forever. It is also in another subset of the big idea that we often take things for granted.

I suddenly realised that I have to embrace my youth (or whatever’s left) because I am never going to get it back. In short, I can’t keep wasting my time away.

This morning, when I was on the morning rush hour bus, I saw an elderly couple alighting from it. The man was having trouble walking and even had problems holding on to his walking stick and the handrail. The woman was plump with (sorry this is going to sound crude) sagging skin and flesh everywhere. They are the ones who had past their prime years. I realised that I don’t want to be like them 40 years down the road, looking back and said that I have never spent my youth well. This is definitely not what I want.

Another small realisation is that I know my parents are going to look like that in a couple of years. I have to start spending more time with them as well.

I guess all these ‘realisations’ are making me busy in a way. Packing my meetings with friends after friends, drinking sessions (hehe, but I don’t get drunk or high at all), gym sessions after gym sessions, taking as many dance classes as I could in gym and spending time with my parents. I am also in contact with some of my old friends recently, which makes me busier (hehe). I’m sorry if I haven’t met up with a lot of my friends but I am trying! I will try and find some time if I can!

Ok, shall blog again when I have another realisation. If I got time this week, I shall blog about a realisation that I have gotten a couple of months ago ==> Love Yourself first.


ferngrass Loves her Break@12:14 AM | 0 comments

Friday, May 06, 2011

I have recently put some random thoughts of mine on th GE 2011 on my fb. If anyone is interested, just go my fb profile to find..

Not going to reply to any comments here or there because I don't want to defend my thoughts. They are mine and mine only.

If u read it, thanks for reading it. Cheerios...

ferngrass Loves her Break@2:12 PM | 0 comments

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I am currently reading a novel right now, and I came across one para which was really interesting to me.

I am not going to quote the entire para, but essentially the para said that the driving force for all emotions in life is love.

It is love that makes us happy, sad, angry, jealous and envious. It is knowing that your loved ones love u that makes us happy. It is knowing that your loved ones leave you that makes us sad. It is knowing that your loved ones hurt u that makes us angry. It is knowing that your loved ones can live a better life without u that makes us envious.

In a nutshell, love makes one matter in this world.

It got me thinking.

I had never see life like this. I know all emotions are driven by something, some sort of action. But I never imagine that life is actually driven by love. I guess the old saying is right. Love is a powerful emotion, so powerful enough to drive all the other emotions in a person. Love is also powerful enough to drive a sane person to do completely insane things, under the excuse of love.

If there is no love, there is no one loves us. There is no one leaving us. There is no one to hurt us. There is no one that to live a better life without us.

I had always thought that being mattered by someone is the most important thing in the world. I always want the feeling that someone cares about me, asking me where am I, how am I, who am I. This shows that I am not invisible, and I left marks in someone’s life.

Yes, I always question about life these days. Maybe it has something to do with age, but I guess I am not as shallow as I seems.

In that sense, I am happy that I had experienced all sorts of emotions, because I am loved =)

And maybe, just maybe, I should explore my love for dancing again.


P.S. Just a sidenote. I am finally able to move on. One of my greatest wish for more than a year has finally come true, and I couldn’t be happier =D Things are finally happening for me…

P.S.S Click here for picture link.

ferngrass Loves her Break@11:33 AM | 0 comments